Behind me sits a very large shelf of the first thing I've ever collected in my life. There are all sorts of colors on the shelf: Yellow, Pink, White, Blue, Gold, Tan, Orange, Mustard, but predominately GREEN. Every shade of green too. I love my growing collection. At times the enjoyment I get just from walking from the kitchen to the shelf to pick a piece for that breakfast, lunch, dinner or sweet treat, sends me into a level of giddiness that hardly seems age appropriate, but it's there and it's so nice that I try not to beat myself up over it.
The fact that my first reaction to being happy about something is subdue the feeling is something of which I desperately want to break free. At what point in our lives did it become silly, foolish, or did I get "too old" to feel carefree and happy?!? Who told me that it was not okay? They should be ashamed of themselves and get some serious help of their own.
This leads us to the current course of events now occurring in Ashley's little world. I began reading a couple books a few weeks ago; Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore and Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge. Both books are great and have been pushing me to look a deeper into my life than is necessarily comfortable. This is a good thing. One of my favorite bookmarks has a quote from "Unknown", it states, "There is no growth in the comfort zone, and no comfort in the growth zone" Oh how true. My first realization on my inward onlooking has been this; After years of seeking a man's love, acceptance and recognition of the young woman I was and the woman I was trying to become, only to ultimately be abandoned, I have for the past 14 years found myself in relationships with boys and "men" who allow me to dote of them endlessly which gives me the illusion of love, acceptance and recognition. I eventually realize that the relationship is very lopsided and in turn make their lives miserable to the point of them leaving. Or I blowup/distance myself and end the relationship myself. NOT HEALTHY.I'm now on a course to better understand how to form healthy relationships. This sounds easy, I'm sure. The problem lies in that part of me is still convinced that I don't know how to do anything different. I want different though and I'm willing to do whatever necessary, no matter how uncomfortable it may be to obtain that solace. Telling myself that I deserve that is my first step. I deserve that....I'm worthy of that...
