A little irritated

This may be my shortest post ever, I just need to vent about the blogger mobile app and it's ability to repost old entries if they accidentally get selected! How frustrating. It leaves you with the choice to reload it with an inaccurate date which subsequently is out of order, or delete it. Not cool, not cool at all. But my puppies are sure happy

One Thousand Eight Hundred and Forty Four...

This is the number of miles I have moved away from the security of my family and some of my dearest friends. This was also, when Googled: a leap year starting on a Tuesday of the Gregorian calendar; it is the name of the Standard Breed of Schnauzer; and the year Harry S. Truman was born. These things hold little bearing on my daily life, the sheer fact that I had to Google them in the first place...
The miles however are like a slow, nagging ache some days. A warm lonely flood that rolls over my body like the first bite of a blueberry muffin on a Sunday morning. I fight back the tears and shake off the need to be touched and move through my days, finding things to keep my mind busy and help me find a life here. 
Here, life is good, so near perfect that there are days I wake up wondering when the bottom will fall out, "will today be the day that I snap out of this "drunken" bliss?" I can't be untrue to the process and the steps that are taken daily to live this life. Sacrifices have been made, spurred by choices to begin this life, compromises exist to better achieve bliss for each other. To have another working for the same outcome is most likely what makes the whole thing possible. The daily choice on his part to meet me halfway, but allow room for our own opinions and feelings, helps me remember we're on this journey together. 
I'm thankful for that constant, it keeps me grounded and out of the pit that loneliness keeps tempting me toward. A full life here will come, and I look forward to it's complexities and abundance, but for now I remain blissful in the solace of the journey and my other who travels it with me.

PYREX, SUBDUED, UNCOMFORTABLE, WORTHY

Behind me sits a very large shelf of the first thing I've ever collected in my life. There are all sorts of colors on the shelf: Yellow, Pink, White, Blue, Gold, Tan, Orange, Mustard, but predominately GREEN. Every shade of green too. I love my growing collection. At times the enjoyment I get just from walking from the kitchen to the shelf to pick a piece for that breakfast, lunch, dinner or sweet treat, sends me into a level of giddiness that hardly seems age appropriate, but it's there and it's so nice that I try not to beat myself up over it.
The fact that my first reaction to being happy about something is subdue the feeling is something of which I desperately want to break free. At what point in our lives did it become silly, foolish, or did I get "too old" to feel carefree and happy?!? Who told me that it was not okay? They should be ashamed of themselves and get some serious help of their own.
This leads us to the current course of events now occurring in Ashley's little world. I began reading a couple books a few weeks ago; Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore and Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge. Both books are great and have been pushing me to look a deeper into my life than is necessarily comfortable. This is a good thing. One of my favorite bookmarks has a quote from "Unknown", it states, "There is no growth in the comfort zone, and no comfort in the growth zone" Oh how true. My first realization on my inward onlooking has been this; After years of seeking a man's love, acceptance and recognition of the young woman I was and the woman I was trying to become, only to ultimately be abandoned, I have for the past 14 years found myself in relationships with boys and "men" who allow me to dote of them endlessly which gives me the illusion of love, acceptance and recognition. I eventually realize that the relationship is very lopsided and in turn make their lives miserable to the point of them leaving. Or I blowup/distance myself and end the relationship myself. NOT HEALTHY.
I'm now on a course to better understand how to form healthy relationships. This sounds easy, I'm sure. The problem lies in that part of me is still convinced that I don't know how to do anything different. I want different though and I'm willing to do whatever necessary, no matter how uncomfortable it may be to obtain that solace. Telling myself that I deserve that is my first step. I deserve that....I'm worthy of that...

Subtle Reminder of Minuteness

Last night a phenomenon occurred that happens once every couple years, a lunar eclipse. I have to be honest and say that to my knowledge I have never witnessed one in it's full glory, last night was perfect though. I had little on my plate and no real need to rip myself from my bed this morning, so being the "sleep on the ground" kind of girl I am I took up shop laying in the backyard amongst cleverly hidden doggy poo, so thoughtfully shrouded by the darkness and two pups who for the life of them did not understand why on earth I was hunkered down in their yard. It was peaceful and magnificent. I never would have guessed that the moon, our nighttime guardian, can feel overshadowed and alone and cold just like all of us. I'll walk a little lighter today, hold my head a little higher in remembering that even greatness takes a back seat occasionally to remind us we're small, but loved. I'm thankful for that reminder, I need those unfortunately.

So Confused and Frustrated

I don't even have the energy to care about figuring it out anymore. I don't, I can't. It all seems so desperate and draining. If I were to sit and be honest with myself, what would I say have been my happiest moments? The moments when I felt like I didn't have to over think anything, and I just reveled in the joy of being? Let's focus on that for a minute...

Feeling as if I was one of two people remaining at McNellie's
Seeing my high school friends having the time of their lives
Standing by one of my best friends, marrying one of hers
Climbing a 14er with Chase
Laying on "the dock" with John and Barley
Holding my little brother Braden's tiny hand moments after he was born
Graduating from High School, surrounded by all of the family members who were selfless enough to be there

My moments of joy all have to do with having other people in my life, people I love. There are many more moments like these, and I'm thankful for them all, I just wish the moments of solitude and pain weren't so jumbled in with them. Oh how I was that were so...